Godspeed Rodney Dangerfield
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scratchy
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Lee
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Lee
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil.. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .. Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil.. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .. Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
-
Lee
Subject: Photo on the Nightstand
Sometimes asking to many questions and getting to much info is not good!
Subject: "photo on the nightstand"
>
>After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
>on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
>
>"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>
>"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>
>Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>
>"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>
>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
>
>"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
>
>"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
>
>"That's me before the surgery!"
Sometimes asking to many questions and getting to much info is not good!
Subject: "photo on the nightstand"
>
>After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
>on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
>
>"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>
>"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>
>Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>
>"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>
>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
>
>"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
>
>"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
>
>"That's me before the surgery!"
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